I used to sing these phrases out loud;
“Can I erase from my mind anything that you said or anytime that we spent with each other? / I don’t want to waste away another cell on a memory when you’re just another meaningless lover.
I was out one night when I saw you, and you froze me where I stood. I would hate you, I would hate you if I could.”
I hated you for a long time already. It didn’t free me from anything. Hatred only taught me to run away from the reality; it taught me to turn my head away from the heart-breaking scene.. that is watching you go.
It’s actually the laziest way to move on from someone.
Sure, being angry is one of the first steps in accepting a separation — but for how long? Doesn’t it tire you? Isn’t it eating your insides? You’re holding on to the grudges way past the expiration date. I understand that you might feel like you’re entitled to the anger, the agony. That the madness is necessary. But it’s not even half pass the ‘forgiveness hill’… you’re in for a long hike.
When we hate someone (or something), we tend to avoid them altogether. Even all the cues leading our mind into them.
Actually, Hayes et. al (2013) and Bluett et al. (2014) confirmed that ‘experiential avoidance’ has been suggested as a key factor in the development and maintenance of trauma, as well as a potential barrier to improved psychological functioning.
Yes, avoidance leads to a lowered psychological functioning, and maintenance of a trauma. Same thing happened to me. For more than 5 months I’ve tried my best in avoiding someone; creating the illusion that I’ve healed completely. That I’m fine. I blocked him from my sights (social medias, RED). Putting myself away from our mutual connections.
Well, all was fine, until he reached out to me again. Suddenly, I felt like I lost control of myself. Heart beating uncontrollably, sweaty palms, short-breathed. I have not healed from you when I thought I had.
Altering my mind and turning my head away from the facts that we’re done — That didn’t help me with anything, at all. For all I know, it worsen my scars. And I’m tired of faking everything.
Now to the fun part. Well.. for all I know, the brain.. takes a main lead in determining how we react to a situation. Meet our best friend, cortisol. This dude plays a big part on a theatrical play called “Fight, Flight, or maybe Freeze, Baby?” (lol sorry I made this up). He makes sure that we don’t experience pain for a long time — therefore the tendency to look away from the reality comes up. We’re naturally set to forget our scars.
According to Bean et al. (2017), acceptance is the willingness to experience thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they are, without efforts to change or control them — as opposed to avoidance, which encompasses attempts to alter and/or escape unpleasant internal experiences.
It’s another effort, I know. An even harder one. Because for once, we have to fight our own chemicals, our heads. But then again, we’re a smart animal. What has became a habit cannot hurt us.
Instead of creating the illusion over and over again, for god’s sake.. just face your fears and be sad, accept that you’re broken. Let your emotion out. Just remember that everybody has been, is, and will be sad at some point in their life. Maybe it’s your turn now. And nothing is ever wrong with that.
After all, Kübler-Ross (1969) did mention that acceptance is placed as the last stage of grief. She said that acceptance means knowing that what happened to you wasn’t a good thing, but you chose to live peacefully with that fact anyway. The past is something you can live with. You finally see that what you lose can’t ever be replaced, but you move, grow, and live in your new reality.
By accepting, forgiveness will come easy, naturally. And believe me, forgiving someone felt way much better than hating them.
It will be easy once you see that everything that had happened was meant to be — and you had done your part. Maybe not in the best way, but you’ve done all that you can.
Citations:
- Bean, Ron & Ong, Clarissa & Lee, Jason & Twohig, Michael. (2017). Acceptance and commitment therapy and trauma: An empirical review. The Behavior Therapist. 40. 145–150.
- Bluett, E. J., Homan, K. J., Morrison, K. L., Levin, M. E., & Twohig, M. P. (2014). Acceptance and commitment therapy for anxiety and OCD spectrum disorders: An empirical review. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 28(6), 612–624. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2014.06.008
- Hayes, S. C., Levin, M. E., Plumb-Vilardaga, J., Villatte, J. L., & Pistorello, J. (2013). Acceptance and commitment therapy and contextual behavioral science: Examining the progress of a distinctive model of behavioral and cognitive therapy. Behavior Therapy, 44(2), 180–198. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2009.08.002
- Kübler-Ross, E., 1969. On death and dying. New York: Macmillan Publishing Company.
