Ever since 2015, i made an alter-ego account on Instagram. The sole purpose was to show who i’ve always been; without sugarcoating anything. Yes. Sugarcoating. That’s what i’ve been sharing in my main Instagram account for these last 4 years. Memories? If it isn’t instagram-worthy, i ain’t gonna share it for my own (or my follower’s?) sake.
So, what did my alter ego account turned out to be? At first, i was only sharing bits and bits of my daily activities, with snippets of what i felt poured over on the caption below them. In a blink of an eye, specifically starting on 2016, the number of people having alter-ego account increased sharply. Including my closest ones (or those who claim to be close with me). Many people begin to send request to my alter account. Little that i know, it was the beginning of my toxic and destructive habit(s).
It felt great having my inner circle altogether in my alter account. I begin sharing things that are more confidential. Even at times, secretly showing off things i’ve achieved or dates i’ve been into. Things i’ve been able to buy, music i listen to. I turned into this kind of human that brags about anything, anytime possible.
Being in vain was just one of my toxic habit. The next one will be painfully destructive, at least in my opinion. I began to seek for accounts of people i suspect as suspicious. Suspicious sounds a bit harsh…. well, women i don’t like, people i used to hate, closest friends and acquaintances of my potential partners.
Stalking their accounts one by one. I didn’t worry that they would know it was me, because nobody noticed that i was in fact using my alter account.
With the habit of stalking people i shouldn’t have stalked, i began worrying for things i should’ve not been worried about. This is the part where it kills my insides, almost everynight.
I found things i shouldn’t have seen. I read comments i shouldn’t have laid my eyes onto. I started suspecting that he likes her more than he likes me just because he likes and left comments in each and every post she’s posting. I am crazy. I (hopefully) was.
The same thing happened in my other social media, Twitter. I stalked people like crazy. I began to lose sleep, worrying about unlogical things. My feelings were crashing and crashing and crumbling. My head hurts of thinking too much. My heart beats uncontrollably. I lose control of my feelings, i got jealous so easily.
At that point, i was helpless. I feel unworthy. Every other scrolls just brought me to another illusion; that i’m not good enough. That i’m not pretty enough. That i’m not thin enough. That i’m unworthy of love. And so on, and so on.
People starting to hate me for what i’m doing. That was when i came to the realization that what i’m doing was totally, totally, wrong. Not only it caused trouble to my mind and well-being; it too caused my closest ones to pull-away from me. My paranoia has gotten the best of me. But this time, i’m not going to lose this battle.
I deactivated my Twitter account and uninstalled my instagram. Deactivated my alter account. Stopped scrolling my timeline. Not touching the unimportant, full of illusion snap-stories from i-don’t-even-know-who.
At first, it was hard not having chirps to read or pictures to stare when i’m dead bored or when i commute. But then, i get used to it. Even got more productive, i go back to my old habits. Reading news from all over the world, scrolling through my Medium feeds, SmartNews, FlipBoard. And just like that, everything feels easier. I feel loose, and less lonely. I began to worry less. And believe it or not, i gained back my focus, spend more time in paying attention to my surroundings and reading important materials for my study.
Maybe you, should try.
I couldn’t agree more with this sentences i read from here: “Consciously or subconsciously, people post to make others envious. And it works. We get envious, then we get sad. Some of us even get so depressed. So why do we keep coming back each day? Psychologists call it “affective forecasting.” We go on Facebook (or in my case, Instagram.) thinking it’s going to make us feel better. What it does is rob us of joy.”
Tame Impala was right after all, the less i know the better.
Cheers. Have a good life.
