Taking the prompt from day 28 — write about loving someone.
“It’s so sweet, knowing that you love me; Though we don’t need to say it to each other, sweet
Knowing that I love you, and running my fingers through your hair
It’s so sweet..”
Yesterday, I went to see Cigarettes After Sex live for the first time. I’ve always loved their music since 2017, and during the course of liking them, the first time they came here I didn’t get the chance to come (because I was just a broke college student); the second time they went here, I HAD THE TICKET but didn’t have any clue how to get back from the venue (because, like I’ve always been, i live 2 hours from Jakarta) so I decided to not come. The third time they came here, I actually hesitated for a bit. The tickets were selling the same time as KOC tickets (which I won the war btw!). In the end I decided to go and watch them alone.
In the show, when Greg sang “Sweet”, I had an epiphany.
For many others, since long ago, I’ve always seem to be someone who never has any hardship regarding my love life. The way I always managed to find someone after being done with another, the way I easily bounced from A to Z real quick. But all it takes to understand is that, when you look deeper, I didn’t want to be someone that’s capable of doing all that. All I wanted was to be loved by someone I love enough, for as long as the universe lets us.
Most of the times I blame myself. For my own trauma, for my own flaws. But at other times, I silently blame the other party for not putting up with my weakness. I always felt like when it comes to my downside, everybody just don’t want to deal with it. But I know, I made it hard, I didn’t give them any options.
When the song reached reff, I’m pretty sure I was crying.
All of my 24 years living, love had always been a struggle for me. It’s almost ironic; the way I long for love, just to expect being hurt at the same time. It’s an addiction.
“It’s so sweet, knowing that you love me; knowing that I love you.”
Combined with the soft toned voice of Greg Gonzalez, once again, the song gave me an epiphany.
That love should feel light, should feel soft, should feel calm and content.
It doesn’t have to be complicated; just to be in each others’ presence should suffice. Just to run my fingers through his hair should make me happy.
And that’s what I felt.
“You shouldn’t worry about your past and the trauma that changed you; I am here to accept you as you are right now. I don’t care about the existence of ‘the before’ version of you; there are so many people that love you for the way you are right now. Including, and especially, me” — My boyfriend.
